| | I met a racialist on the subway today. Hilarity was with her. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| | Current Music: | Tirol Concerto, 1st movement | | Current Location: | home | | Time: | 04:46 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/blah.gif) stuck |
|
| I very rarely run into a problem that stops me in my tracks. Either I ignore it or pick a solution and stick to it. However, I've reached a conflict lately that I would have never imagined happening to me two years ago. I have been offered a position as floor manager or floor captain of an east side fine dining, 40 dollar entrees, proper attire required bistro. My interview is this thursday and needless to say I have no nails left and my hair is falling out more rapidly than usual.
Two years ago I promised myself never to become a waiter. I said money would never be a deciding factor in my life. But... damn this job would pay well. I'm comfortable at Bello Sguardo. But I've reached the top. Senior Head waiter is the top of the line. I can't move or learn anything more about the industry and it's driving me nuts. There is security at Sguardo, but not much else. I make enough to survive but not anything to save.
For the other job I'd have to cut my hair, wear a suit and tie and wear my glasses which the friend who offered me the position says, "makes you look more jewish". It would be a lot harder and it would be more work. On a side note I'd also have to give up acting, which I've been planning on anyway. But I would live in financial ease, afford college tuition on my own in a year, be insured and probably move into my own apartment on the upper west side in two years.
A part of me wants to take the job, save money for college and realize my true potential for leadership.
And the other part wants to turn it down to hold on to my previous principles.
...
there's only three days to choose. I hope instinct and sober reasoning guide me through this. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | kitchen sounds | | Current Location: | work | | Time: | 05:04 pm |
|
| | On my way to the end of the 2 line with a restless cat scratching and plying its way through cardboard to the amusement of my fellow subway sheep I recalled a quote of Tom Lehrer's. A musical comedian Tom Lehrer once wrote a song about graduating college. One line in particular stood out: "Soon we'll be sliding down the razor blade of life". I never gave this line more than a surface level laugh. But with these past few weeks in mind, my devil of a cat trying to escape her box and the idea of having officially moved out made my hair stand on end. I dropped off Althea (the escape artist aforementioned) and headed back into the city for work. That night my parents and an old family friend came for dinner. They tried to be congenial and easy going. But my father Jim actually bit back tears while oredering the Beet Risotto. Once they had payed they came to me -- like chagrined parishoners to their unmoving pastor -- and confessed that after I left that morning they sat in the living room, played Les Miserables and sobbed. In the end, I though about that quote once more. The razor slit on my backside is relatively small and new. But compared to that of my parents -- theirs had been closed or they had gotten used to it. But my abondonment had re-opened the wounds. I felt guilt and shame as Matt and I celebrated our first night of independence with cake and Aqua Teen Hunger Force. In time, I might forgive myself. I try and console myself that I don't owe them anything and that they are only suffering fresh wounds. Why am I writing this and telling you? No clue. I don't even care if any you read it. Besides, I'm using my bosses computer during a five minute break and I'm sure you'd make fun of fragmented sentences and general sporatic writing. Of all these I am guilty. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | The Mikado - Gilbert & Sullivan | | Time: | 03:57 pm |
|
| I feel as though some veil has been lifted. Somewhere in these past few days a change has occurred. I am grateful for the personal insight that has allowed me to be aware of it's presence. To alleviate any fear that I have completely lost my mind I will try and explain the "change" as best I can.
I spend any time I have alone listening to music and throwing ideas back and forth in my mind (which might explain these insistent and unwavering headaches). Mostly I revise personal philosophies, insights, etc. And I feel I have finally found the secret to my own personal discontent: I care too much for others. This habit is overwhelming to the point of my own detriment. I'm sure you (all three lj friends) are rolling your eyes saying, "We could have fucking told you that." However, finding it by my own means is the only true path to self enlightenment. As a practicing Buddhist I strove to be generous and empathetic to all. To not think of myself but to think of others. But I forgot one of the most vital of the Buddha’s lessons: the middle path. The idea of finding the center of two extremes. I focused so much energy on others that I was starving myself.
I am resolved. I will follow my own psychological, philosophical and emotional pursuits while still striving to be the ever-helpful and empathetic darcy-devin you all know.
I am resolved. I am an existential absurdist. My life goal is to live through my own absurd subjective reality -- as all other realities around me are asinine and chaotic. While existing in my own reality I will not strive to find profound answers amidst the absurd as there are none.
I am resolved. I will allow myself to enjoy the presence of my person. This self-hatred and belittlement must end. My mother is gone and there is no reason to let her psychological brainwashing continue, no matter how embedded in Id bedrock it may be (I know a Freudian term, please forgive me).
I am resolved. As an existential absurdist I will admit the power of my individual being as well as keeping vigilant of my unique limitations.
Why did I write this? Why am I telling you? Whenever I type one of these confounded entries I ask myself these questions. No answer comes and I must be content with that. As I hope you are. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Viva Las Vegas -- Dead Kennedys ... very loudly | | Time: | 03:14 pm | | Current Mood: | existential self occupation |
|
| | I'm in a surprisingly bad mood. Returning to work was nice. Being handed a check was even nicer. Being back with angsty waiters was oddly refreshing. I care not lately about location and size or even roommates. I will do anything to get out of this apartment. It will probably mean losing my entire life saving in the first month. However, my independence will be worth the headache. My body can tell summer is almost over and it has put me into cynical hyperdrive. Avoid me...for your own sake. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Requiem Confutatis - W.A. Mozart | | Time: | 01:36 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/tired.gif) sleepy |
|
| | One thing after another. The theatre down in Maryland has discovered that they cannot afford to pay Equity rates and so I was cut out. The good news, I now have an extended vacation. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Brahms - piano quartet in G Op. 25 | | Time: | 12:02 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/angry.gif) annoyed |
|
| | AAARRRRGGGGGHHHH! The artistic director of the theatre where Come Blow Your Horn is being presented just called to take back his offer to drive me down. I'm officialy up shit creek. Now I have to call a bunch of friends and try and get them to drive me down to Maryland, exactly what they'd want to do on a lovely monday morning. I hate working with actors they are such spazoids! | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| | who wants to see a movie with darcy-devin tomorrow? He's feeling better and will not get you sick. w00t! | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | The Tango Lesson | | Time: | 03:04 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/sick.gif) sick |
|
| I love that the other head waiter goes on a surprise vacation for a week on the day I get food poisoning. Meaning I have to work everyday until he gets back while trying not to throw up or pass out on a table...... fun.
Edit: YAY!! They let me have today off at the physical and mental harm of my co-workers. He said I was scaring some tables. Needless to say, with the intense stomach pain I've had since saturday, I've lost my cool in front of some tables -- which is not as rewarding as you might think. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Turandot | | Subject: | Cat sitting | | Time: | 02:42 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/wink.gif) flirty |
|
| Hey everyone-
I just got a cat sitting job from the 30th to the 15th. It's in my building for neighbors who live upstairs. They require that I stay in the apartment with the cats during that time. Here's the point: darcy-devin gets lonely and also has a full-time job. I'm wondering if some of you guys would like to crash some nights with me and the kitties in the apartment. (Rob knowing you, this could be lethal, so maybe we shouldn't consider it for you). Anyway, contact me if this sounds good. My neighbors are fine with others crashing in the apartment as well. Just let me know. | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | 'Till My Head Falls Off - They Might Be Giants | | Subject: | Donut Shop Clerk | | Time: | 12:06 pm | | Current Mood: | groggy |
|
| | I got a part in an independent feature film shooting in July. I'm pretty psyched about it, even though it's one scene and only two lines. It'll be cool just to have the experience, another thing to add to my resume, blah blah. But when I told my dads they both had the same response -- ::shrug:: "It's a start." Lately my parents have been acting more and more like stage parents. They want to manage my career and make decisions for me, they bring me down about how long its taking me to land something and when I do land a gig they remark on the size of the role or the venue. In conclusion: I can't wait for october so I can get the hell out of here! Love you all and miss you. | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| In most recent news-- after two days of struggling to reconstuct my vocal structure and flexibility I am elated to announce my meatwad impersonation is near perfection. I've been spending all my free time twisting and contorting my throat to make the perfect pitch, spending hours 'in the voice', and even taking tables' orders as meatwad. This led to some people feeling uneasy but one woman at a table became beside herself and recited the whole Birthday snake episode with me as meatwad and carl and her as... everyone else.
Will this new voice land me a job? No.
Bring me any closer to Nirvana? No.
But it does give me a feeling of self-worth. I am proud to add meatwad to a very full and completelely useless list of cartoon characters that I can do at parties and at least one person will find cool. | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Necessary Evil (Listerine) - The Dresden Dolls | | Subject: | Movies | | Time: | 12:20 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/smile.gif) content |
|
| So, last tuesday Rob and myself went on a movie day. For some reason, the thing I need on a day off is to sit in dark theatres for the whole goddamn day. It's great. I look forward to it every week. O, Rob I just found out I can get an Equity discount on movie tickets w00t. Anyway we saw An American Haunting which was a piece of shit. Then Art School Confidential which was also a piece of shit. Oddly enough both these fecal movies had actors I really respect and love: Sissy Spacek, Donald Sutherland (I don't care what people say he is much hotter than Kiefer), John Malkovich, Anjelica Huston, Steve Buscemi, Jim Broadbent, etc. Then we saw a Chinese movie which was pretty and ridiculous to the extreme. But it was pretty.
As Rob and I were bemoaning the sad state of the movies these days we saw a preview for a movie coming out in July that looked like the answer to all of our prayers. Little Miss Sunshine. I have taken the liberty to give you this link:
http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox_searchlight/littlemisssunshine/trailer/
Needless to say I am giddy in anticipation. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Guns of Brixton - The Clash | | Subject: | Network | | Time: | 11:36 am | | Current Mood: | cheerful |
|
| Alright, a lot of people have heard me talk about this film. And those of you that have seen this at my myspace, I apologize. But I can't help myself. This is a clip from on of my top five favorite movies. It was written by the openly communist screenwriter, Paddy Chayefsky and directed by Sidney Lumet. It was made as a warning about the dangers of corporations gaining control of news networks and the dangers of television itself. Now, 30 years later the movie's metaphor has been surpassed and the film is almost unknown. The actor in this scene (Peter Finch) died a few weeks after shooting. This did not stop his performance from winning the Academy Award. Watch, enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CVgoW8mrLk&search=Network%20%281976%29 | | comments: 7 comments or Leave a comment |
| |
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
instantlady's journal